Yes, urine for the day. I was forced out of bed by a beneficent bladder this morning. I got my clothes on, grabbed my backpack, and walked bleary-eyed toward the church. I put my stuff down on the table by the kitchen. I had to walk funny down the hallway toward the bathroom to keep from causing an accident. Then, relief.
I just thought I should share. How did you wake up today?
24.8.10
17.8.10
Shepherds
I'm comfortable with pastors all around me. It's how I grew up. It's what I've always known. I'm comfortable as long as they keep their distance and let me keep mine. It's okay if they just hang out and talk and argue and discuss and yell with each other during a game of horseshoe. It's okay if they go play golf all afternoon or make jokes about being vegetarian. I'm fine with them all wearing polos and short-sleeve button-ups with their pleated pants. Shirt tucked in. Average brown belt to keep it all sharp. It's great that they go to bed early and wake up early. It's fine that even they get bored during their meetings and start shuffling their feet and clearing their throats. I don't even mind them saying things that I don't understand or that I find myself not really feeling comfortable with. Maybe even if that means I disagree with them, even if I don't understand or couldn't give any reasons for my disagreement. I'm fine with all that. With these pastors. It's how I've grown up.
And they're all suckers.
They don't know me and I don't know them. And we're all happy about it. Now, if they get too close we have a problem. If they start getting on my case for anything, with the ruse of caring, of course, then I'm suddenly a shadow behind the wall that's immediately gone up between us. But don't worry, Pastors, I'm a good kid. I do what's right. I do what you expect. I do what the Bible seems to ask. Most of the time.
For the rest of the time, I'm in the shadows. You and your friendly handshakes can keep on being fooled by my wily facade. And even if you, dear reader, end up being one of those pastors, or one of those people who knows one of those pastors, and you read this, and it leaves you with questions, and you wonder why I'm being so shadowy right here, then just know that those questions will probably never be answered nor the reasons for them completely understood. Not by yourself, and certainly not ever by me. And that's the way it goes for now. I suppose if it changes I'll let you know. Until then, smile on my dears.
(In case it wasn't obvious, this is a bit satirical or cynical or whatever. I'm not always happy [refer here], nor do I feel that my joy is complete. But I'm also not the Judge. If you, precious reader, really believe what you preach, and if you're genuinely past where I'm at in this walk, then I suppose it's your solemn duty to keep praying for the Me-s in our church. It is your duty, not to coddle us nor enforce religious practices, but to trust in Him in whom you believe, to let Him care for us, to let us be responsible now for our own steps [for you have done your part] and then demonstrate the spirituality of old so that we may see it from farther away than inside a strangling love embrace, to stop trying to impress us with the church or your ideas or what you "really want for us," to stop arguing with us, to stop feeding our delight in the ease of life. It is time that we struggle. Satan has afforded us enough escapes from life to last our lifetime. In the brief pauses in between these escapes, simply turn your face to the Father. We only need His reflection to blind our eyes. Only then will we stop persecuting our own church. Thank you. And that's all for tonight.
God bless.)
And they're all suckers.
They don't know me and I don't know them. And we're all happy about it. Now, if they get too close we have a problem. If they start getting on my case for anything, with the ruse of caring, of course, then I'm suddenly a shadow behind the wall that's immediately gone up between us. But don't worry, Pastors, I'm a good kid. I do what's right. I do what you expect. I do what the Bible seems to ask. Most of the time.
For the rest of the time, I'm in the shadows. You and your friendly handshakes can keep on being fooled by my wily facade. And even if you, dear reader, end up being one of those pastors, or one of those people who knows one of those pastors, and you read this, and it leaves you with questions, and you wonder why I'm being so shadowy right here, then just know that those questions will probably never be answered nor the reasons for them completely understood. Not by yourself, and certainly not ever by me. And that's the way it goes for now. I suppose if it changes I'll let you know. Until then, smile on my dears.
(In case it wasn't obvious, this is a bit satirical or cynical or whatever. I'm not always happy [refer here], nor do I feel that my joy is complete. But I'm also not the Judge. If you, precious reader, really believe what you preach, and if you're genuinely past where I'm at in this walk, then I suppose it's your solemn duty to keep praying for the Me-s in our church. It is your duty, not to coddle us nor enforce religious practices, but to trust in Him in whom you believe, to let Him care for us, to let us be responsible now for our own steps [for you have done your part] and then demonstrate the spirituality of old so that we may see it from farther away than inside a strangling love embrace, to stop trying to impress us with the church or your ideas or what you "really want for us," to stop arguing with us, to stop feeding our delight in the ease of life. It is time that we struggle. Satan has afforded us enough escapes from life to last our lifetime. In the brief pauses in between these escapes, simply turn your face to the Father. We only need His reflection to blind our eyes. Only then will we stop persecuting our own church. Thank you. And that's all for tonight.
God bless.)
1.7.10
It's already basically July.
Things at this camp have been weird sometimes. I still feel like I'm just easing into something even though it's been almost four weeks that I've been here now. It's like I'm getting into something that is going to last a long, long time. Is that an indication of the work I'll get into in the future?
This week has been interesting, a story of its own. These Japanese kids are so, so neat. I got emotional a couple mornings ago when I was praying for them during my run. They are so happy, and yet so easily hurt. Today a couple of them got homesick and just cried for a while. I wish I could hug them and tell them that we are doing super fun things tomorrow or that God will make it all better soon. But I have a problem doing that. I personally don't always think that the things they do here at camp are really all that fun. And even if they are for the kids, they aren't usually for me (at least as much), so if I'm telling them it's super fun, then I feel like I'm straight up lying to them somehow. I don't think many others would agree with me and I don't blame them. I also have a hard time with the God making it better soon part. First of all, none of these kids are Christian. Not one. So there's the first and most obvious difficulty. The second is that I have a hard time telling someone that such and such will happen to them if it hasn't really happened to me first. And frankly, God doesn't always seem to make things better, but to understand that that is okay takes many years of life and experience and growth and these kids only have a few hours with me. What to do? Tonight I just sat on the floor with them and let them talk to me. It was nice to finally have kids talk to me. I'm horrible at letting them do that. Yujin blabbered away. Takumi put tons of bandaids on himself. Daiki and Hadetaka quietly watched and seemed to scheme about whatever it is they scheme about. Koki sat hunched over, missing Mom and looking up with his little teary eyes once in a while. Yosuke talked in his fragmented, speedy, lispy sentences while spurting around the room doing random things. Yuto sat on his top bunk, probably folding all his clothes and putting thing away the whole time. Aksute just somehow spent an hour getting absolutely nothing done, and then was willing to trade beds with Koki so that Koki could sleep closer to his buddy Yuto. And meanwhile, Shahaar, the Israeli kid, lays quietly in bed for the first time all week, probably feeling a little left out amongst all the far-Eastern kids. I guess being middle-Eastern just isn't quite cutting it anymore. I feel for him.
I'm already burning myself out on pictures. Stupid. I'm too lazy and weirded out to go up front and try to take pictures of the kids during the worships and not getting many more original photos already is making things seem redundant or something. Plus, teaching a class and having a cabin leave less time for pictures period. It's been so interesting. I'm coming to the point where I'm doubting that I will have much "internship" experience during these two months. But I don't regret coming here. Yet. :)
My eyes feel as dry as Daiki said his lips were and the bugs are being really obnoxious. I'm going to go take a shower and maybe shave. Kristina might be fro-ing (?) my hair tomorrow. Oh hurray.
This week has been interesting, a story of its own. These Japanese kids are so, so neat. I got emotional a couple mornings ago when I was praying for them during my run. They are so happy, and yet so easily hurt. Today a couple of them got homesick and just cried for a while. I wish I could hug them and tell them that we are doing super fun things tomorrow or that God will make it all better soon. But I have a problem doing that. I personally don't always think that the things they do here at camp are really all that fun. And even if they are for the kids, they aren't usually for me (at least as much), so if I'm telling them it's super fun, then I feel like I'm straight up lying to them somehow. I don't think many others would agree with me and I don't blame them. I also have a hard time with the God making it better soon part. First of all, none of these kids are Christian. Not one. So there's the first and most obvious difficulty. The second is that I have a hard time telling someone that such and such will happen to them if it hasn't really happened to me first. And frankly, God doesn't always seem to make things better, but to understand that that is okay takes many years of life and experience and growth and these kids only have a few hours with me. What to do? Tonight I just sat on the floor with them and let them talk to me. It was nice to finally have kids talk to me. I'm horrible at letting them do that. Yujin blabbered away. Takumi put tons of bandaids on himself. Daiki and Hadetaka quietly watched and seemed to scheme about whatever it is they scheme about. Koki sat hunched over, missing Mom and looking up with his little teary eyes once in a while. Yosuke talked in his fragmented, speedy, lispy sentences while spurting around the room doing random things. Yuto sat on his top bunk, probably folding all his clothes and putting thing away the whole time. Aksute just somehow spent an hour getting absolutely nothing done, and then was willing to trade beds with Koki so that Koki could sleep closer to his buddy Yuto. And meanwhile, Shahaar, the Israeli kid, lays quietly in bed for the first time all week, probably feeling a little left out amongst all the far-Eastern kids. I guess being middle-Eastern just isn't quite cutting it anymore. I feel for him.
I'm already burning myself out on pictures. Stupid. I'm too lazy and weirded out to go up front and try to take pictures of the kids during the worships and not getting many more original photos already is making things seem redundant or something. Plus, teaching a class and having a cabin leave less time for pictures period. It's been so interesting. I'm coming to the point where I'm doubting that I will have much "internship" experience during these two months. But I don't regret coming here. Yet. :)
My eyes feel as dry as Daiki said his lips were and the bugs are being really obnoxious. I'm going to go take a shower and maybe shave. Kristina might be fro-ing (?) my hair tomorrow. Oh hurray.
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