Chris' Quirks

I don't know what it is, but when I'm working in InDesign I stay and stay and stay. Work was officially done at 6:00 p.m. today. It's now after 11:00 p.m. and I just got home. I was making little signs for the Alumni Journal booth I'll be manning during the big alumni homecoming (of sorts) this weekend. Really, they're kind of dumb little things. But I couldn't call a sign or form (I was also working on a questionnaire, among other things) done until I'd fixed every little thing. I mean, what is that? But the thing is, I didn't mind at all. I was in the zone. Enjoy it? Maybe. Time just was going, but I was just there, doing my thing.

Thinking about it while walking from the car to the house, I wondered what it would take to just make up a little sign real quick and call it good. And on the flip side, what it would take to scheme and then produce a really elaborate sign, like a true graphic designer would accomplish. I'm in the middle, or have been this week. I couldn't decide whether it was a blessing or a curse. It's great that I see the little things that I want to adjust and fix and change, I guess. But the problem is that I can't be done until it's all done. It may be somewhat perfectionistic, but only in the scope of my limited abilities and creative vision. It's more of a perfectionism in process or something, not actual product. I can't make anything whoa that's crazy amazing. I can just bore you to death with my diligence. But again, I didn't notice that I was lingering. I have no idea how long I was actually spending on things. It was just happening. I listened to Coldplay's Parachute album twice, with plenty of silence bookending the listens. That's something.

Will I understand this better someday? Will "it," whatever it is, turn out to be my thing, a blessing, a gift? Will it just always be a weird requirement for getting arguably menial tasks accomplished? More of a curse? An unfortunate side effect? I really don't know. But I'd like to think someday it will come in handy and I'll be the envy of the town. (Not with that attitude, Mister.)

What does it mean to me?

In this particular spot in the interview (page 10), Tavi and Ella are briefly discussing feminism, but when I read this bit it spoke to me of how I've felt about many topics and many situations where I've not said anything because I didn't feel like I knew enough to say anything. Perhaps it's something many people, or all, deal with at some point or another, or often. It's certainly a feeling I get with some frequency. I've always thought I was just a person who appreciated knowing the big picture, everything, before moving on or producing or opining. But this is a new twist for me, and I think it's good.

Tavi speaking, in reflection:

“‘How can you ever have read enough to be able to talk about this in the right way?’ What I’ve learned is that the answer isn’t to retreat into ignorance, but to find the ways in which it’s important to you and talk about that....”

I think this is wise: discover what's important to you in said topic, and talk about that. And it can also be applied unwisely. It is important to remain cognizant of your own experience in relation to the topic you may want to address. It is important to remain curious. It is important to keep an eye out for the real ways a topic is meaningful to you, because it may not really be the topic, it may be another underlying issue that the topic brings to the surface. But talking about a hard topic, or a popular topic, is not something to avoid until you are an expert on the topic. I suppose if that were the case, no one would ever know that another was an expert. But expertise isn't the point... Finding what's important to you, from whatever angle that means coming from, is the cool part. I think that's the place where we'll relate to each other. That's where one will find the most satisfaction: speaking of the parts that matter to himself or herself. To me. 

That's what I think, anyway.

Thoughts on Collateral

I watched Collateral (Tom Cruise, Jamie Foxx) again today. To me it's kind of strangely a good movie. This time it made me think a bit, and I wonder if that's not what at least one of the purposes was for it.

Bad begets bad. When the actions of a life have leaned toward the ugly, even well-intentioned acts of badness will be bad. There is a moment in the movie where the hired killer shoots a cop that had been trying to help the taxi driver. It was an act of kindness—to the killer—a noble act, a saving of the taxi driver's life. But no matter his intentions, the result was tragic and unhelpful. To have truly committed a noble act, to truly have saved the man's life, he should have walked away and killed no more.

He who lives by the sword dies by the sword. It's a Hollywood twist, perhaps, but in the end (spoiler alert) the killer is killed. And for the first time, and I don't know why this triggered it, I thought of the word "lives." It made me wonder whether perhaps he who defends another life once by the sword would not die by the sword. That is to say, is living by violence what kills the violent? Perhaps it is more a matter of the heart than I had realized. Perhaps it is he who has made his life around killing and hurting who will be hurt and killed in the end, and another, who must kill to defend or save, for example, will live a long life and die of old age.

"If a man dies on the 17B line, will anyone notice?" the killer asks in the end (or something very much like it). The question brings the viewer full circle to a story he told nearer the beginning, of a man who died on the train and remained unnoticed for six hours. In my mind, it was his way of asking, "Is my life really suddenly ending without leaving a single good mark in the world?" He didn't think life was very valuable, but when his was over... he wasn't so sure. It is a sobering question. It is a reminder to us not to allow ourselves to reach that point without asking what meaning we can give to life. We are not just a blip in space, two men in a taxi.

Our actions have collateral damage. Or collateral good. I suppose it's up to us to decide which we believe in. I believe God is good. I've not lived well in accordance with that belief during my life, but I'm trying to remind myself of it more often. I believe it's a good central point. I believe it's a strong foundation. I believe that even when I do not live up to the good I could live to, that, even in my lowest or most hurtful moments, I can point to Him and His goodness. The question will be, will the person next to me be willing to look where I point? Will my failures as a human dissuade him or her, or will my repentance allow them freedom to see? Will my successes as a human persuade him or her, or will my arrogance prevent them freedom to see?

It was just a movie. Just a made-up story, full of action sequences, tight shots, high-intensity music, and careful coloring, not to mention all the other cinematic things I'm completely unacquainted with. But I guess I feel it's better to reflect on it and risk publishing some cliché thoughts than just treat it as another blank spot in my memory. So here's to living a life of good.