2.11.07

Reflections



I am surrounded by so many amazing people in my life. It's almost like God continually has to remind me how cool life could be if I put a little more effort into it. How can people be so naturally cool!? I think the coolest thing is when someone is so effortlessly themself. That is the coolest. It makes life simple, and worth admiring. I admire you, you who have made yourself comfortable with the reflection you see in the mirror and the thoughts that you go to sleep with. You, you are of few words or many words, but are content with the end of them. You, you whose mind is not idle, and whose heart is not empty. You, you whose destination is known, whose Father is near. You, you are my hero. I aplaud you, hero. Please do not stop now. Please continue, continue in your wonderful, comfortable, self-ful ways. Be the person you know best to be. Because I need that kind of inspiration. I need to know that there are better things out there. And better people, too. I need to know that full life is worth the work. I need to know.


13.10.07

A quick poem. Written after a wonderful afternoon in the sun on the lawn.



after the bugs scatter

and after the song ends,

the day isn't over

it only begins.

it only begins.


there is hope in my heart

and through the chilly night air

I feel Your presence

and know that You're there.

and know that You're there.


I want what You offer

I'll take it today.

Cuz as long as You're with me,

I know it's ok.

I know it's ok.


It seems so lame when I write it out like that, but it was good for my heart. For real, when I say wonderful, I mean nothing less.

21.6.07

The Separation

I left home today. Probably for good. In a week my family moves out and heads to Michigan. I'll never live in that house again. Probably never even go inside it again. Such a sad thing is change. And yet, I think in the end we all realize it's also an exhilarating, necessary thing. But my current feelings consist of sadness and confusion and anxiety. I am sad to be leaving the home I have come to love. The one where I have spent half my life, and where the majority of my best memories have taken place. I leave with some regrets. Of not exploring more. Of not helping to beautify the house more. Of not trying to have more friends over, even if it is the most boring place on earth. I leave with confusion. Where will I stay now? Even in just one week from now?? Where am I headed? What does it mean for my stuff and my future? I am also quite anxious. Mainly about all the things that are confusing to me. Where am I going in life? I have no aim, no real goals or dreams. Am I destined to fail as a miserable nothing, simply wasting the earth's food, water, and air supply? Will I ever feel comfortable that I am walking down the path God wants me on? Will I ever make a difference in someone's life?

So much melancholy. So much crap. In about two hours none of this will be very well remembered. I may remember my last gaze out the last window from my 4891 home or tearing up as I dwelt on my last moments there. Tomorrow morning for sure, this will all my ancient history, as we say. It will be nothing but a stupid whimper I may have let squeak out. I'll look back on this blog and think how childish I sounded and how ridiculous my worries are. For it all works out in the end and depending on the minute of the day, I may be utterly diggin' life or absolutely dreading it. Who knows? Does God even? I suppose we say that He does.

For now, it's off to clean up the cabin a bit, read a bit more, and probably just continue to poop and pee, eat and drink, sleep and be awake. There doesn't seem to be much more of consistent life than that.

25.5.07

Al is graduating this weekend. It's been a long, but quick, four years since I remember being a Junior and wondering how in the world my leetle brother was already in Academy with me. Those years flew by, I graduated, started college, lived in Argentina, came back to Southern, and then BAM: the brother is already graduating again. Time. What a weird blessing. The sister is going to be an upperclassmen somewhere in Michigan next year, too. How in the world is she already nearing her college years??

I passed Alise in the aisle on the way out and we said a few things, but to me it was mostly just like, "mercy, we were just there, weren't we alise?" I thought it, I said it, and I live it. I probably shouldn't reminisce too much, because things have changed a lot and dwelling on the past memories sometimes hurts, because the present is not as full of them as the goods of the past are, all clumped up into a single thought. Then again, it certainly has been good growing up. I'm most certainly still on my way to grown up, but there's been progress. I guess my brother's graduation, a milestone in his life, becomes somewhat of a milestone in my own because it makes me look back and reflect on what I've gone through, experienced, accomplished, failed at, felt proud of and regretted.

Mr. James spoke of our march, the march to Zion. He is good with words and painted a beautiful picture. In my mind's eye, I suppose it was through Collegedale, just past four corners where we were all happily marching. With proud steps, firm and steady, and eyes on the glory ahead. I suppose those "on the curb" were still happy though. They probably shouldn't be, however, as they were not marching. "This world is...not enough." A good aim and motto. Short and very sweet. I think it is high time I consider what lies ahead for my self. This me that I am is going somewhere and it'd be good to have an idea where.

Wow, my little brother is graduating. Good times. I only hope that he, and the other graduates, realize how those of us a little older hope the best for him/them. Theirs are lives in a critical spot, the direction of which is being determined in these years. Mine was determined pretty well, I think. I continue to march, but I have at times strayed a bit to walk or stand on the shoulder, I think. I think other times I have simply paused, not so much to take a deep breath, but to wonder what sitting on the curb is like. I would like very much to start walking again. It's sometimes difficult to pick up one's head though, and keep it directed toward the light ahead. Even though it is brilliant and beautiful and bedazzling, the candles and little LEDs on the side have a certain attraction to them as well, even though I know they will ultimately hurt my eyes in the dimness around me. Sometimes, I think it is so dim, those gathered around me are tough to see. I feel alone in the dark, like I may be on the wrong path or not following the right light, or so far behind that it is too late. What if I were to see the light slowly fade out and vanish ahead of me! Yes, sometimes I find it a challenge to take hold of that faith I know is authored in my by the Word, to grasp it and march in its light. But as I am reminded of example and success of Stephen, Shadrach and co., and Moses, I am also reminded that they are listed in the same book as He who called Himself the Light. I know in my heart that they followed the same light that I try to follow. They have succeeded before me and now, give me hope that I will also succeed. That I will shake their hand or hug them or kiss them, however we will greet in heaven, when I see them at the end of our march.

I just hope my brother and sister, and those around us, will all walk together.

20.3.07

A Simple Update




I was just perusing my pals' blogs and enjoying their adventures, their struggles, their lives. My life is lame, I was thinking at one point. Then two minutes later, I realized that I am pretty normal and blessed as well. Then I realized that it all depends on who I'm listening to at the moment. I just need to listen to myself a little more often. That is, I should listen to what the positive part of me says. Most of me is negative, in my opinion :) so it's tough to hear that voice sometimes. But I do have a good life. God is merciful to me, despite my shortcomings. Which, I'm finding out, are way more and much more serious than I previously deemed possible. This is unfortunate, but while I could be discouraged with these thoughts, God is good and seems to be providing truths, reminders, and support when I need it. I'm no good at being "in tune" with my pitiful emotions, but I guess it's alright, because God seems to be taking care of that alright.


Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't talk about God. I don't really live too well for Him. My life doesn't stand out as one that exemplifies a Christian lifestyle, nor are my goals and motives and dreams focused much on God. In fact, unlike what most advice suggests (I believe), I don't really have that many of those things. I struggle with decisions like crazy and like aforementioned, am extremely fickle. If there was something good about doing whatever I saw anyone else doing at the time, I'd definitely succeed in that.


__In real life, I was looking for my FAFSA pin number today and couldn't find it. Crap. I hope I don't lose thousands of dollars just because I'm a lame organizor of really important small things. __I still haven't done hardly any of my homework tomorrow and it's already 11p. This may not seem too late to many, but for me it's pushing it. I like my sleep, but amn't disciplined enough to really get myself disciplined. Get it? I don't, but it's true. __We lost our hockey game tonight. I suck, but it was fun. Matt Turk is the man for letting me play on his team. He's a good guy. I love Jeff's crazy hustle. Wow. If only I had like 2% of that junk... __We talked some tonight about a road trip Ben wants to do. I don't know if I will. I think I'd be more of a pain and be getting more frustrated than doing any good. We'll see. __Bed time is here. Showering is obligatory tonight. As is waking up early to finish my Chemistry (slash start it...) and try to do some Hebrew. Shucks.


Life, I guess.

26.2.07

my thoughts, they burned my brain

naked, exposed to the weather and time, words and eyes. those eyes.
this is the soul at it's darker hours.

I'm pretty frustrated right now. At least, I was about twenty minutes ago. Decisions are not my forte, and I'm facing a couple right now. I was walking to my dorm room from home after a not so quaint goodbye to the parents and I just began imagining that I was the only one in the world who was so confused. I realized very quickly, of course, that this is not the case. But it would almost be better if it was. I hate advice sometimes. I am not sure why. I think it comes from a deep pride I have that is, well, deep... I don't quite understand that part of myself very well and it sometimes bothers me. It especially comes out when I'm facing something: a paper, a test, a project, a problem, a big decision, or things like that. Extreme procrastination mixed with some serious distraction issues are the symptoms. Along with the occassional sour-skittles-sour mood. The kind that makes your insides come out your mouth and burn and stab and hurt everyone around you. That bites... haha... But really.
I'm over it.
But the decisions is still there and not getting any easier. I guess these are the times life becomes super confusing. What the heck? School? Grades? Time? Food? Exercise? Why? What if there was no pressure in the world? What if... etc. The blues would be old news and our hopes would be the reality of a sore toe after a confrontation with a nice brick. Yep, that would be life. I hate blogging. I suck. My thoughts should be my own. But at the same time, there is something so attractive about putting on the internet with a picture or something. Huh?

15.1.07

I wish I could post up some sweetly edited (or at least taken) pictures like the skills of Jerry allow, but alas, this is it. I am glad though, at least, that I am able to finally experiment a little and that Anthony Handel introduced me to Picasa. Quite the nifty little porgram. Perhaps in the future, things will get better... :) For now, this is my two-minute attempt. And I'm hungry. Posted by Picasa