Got back from Brazil yesterday morning at a very early and tiring 5 am. It was a beautiful trip though, full of new places, foods, and experiences. Rio de Janeiro is a pretty cool city. Huge, lots of poor people, transvestites, beautiful beaches, mountains all mixed in with skyscraping apartments and poor neighborhoods. And above it all is the Cristo Redentor.

Six of us got to stay a few days longer than the big group, and we decided to go stay a couple days at The Grand Island about three hours away. It has lovely beaches and lots of touristy hotels and restaurants that although small, are a bit pricey. At least for the norm. Anyway, that was really really beautiful too and I loved it. But we ended up having to buy our food each meal on Sabbath and pay for our campsite and go to the beach and all that. Plus, we never really had a worship or anything. I've grown up in perhaps a rather conservative Adventist circle, so this experience was a little uncomfortable for the conscience. Looking back at it, I just went along and didn't actually think about it too much. I don't think we did anything wrong either, but it still makes me wonder about the concreteness of my beliefs and why I believe things, etc.

We also had some experiences where we had to be a little more assertive, say to a taxi driver who was trying to scam us, and those times also made me think. Basically, it seems that I am coming across two separate ways of bieng a christian. There is the first one, the one that most people seem to live and which works out fine and dandy. It's like you just be a good person, do what you need to do to be a christian, but leave room for buying things on the Sabbath, sometimes speaking a bit harshly and directly at people, or enjoying yourself in ways that might not let other people automatically know you are indeed a christian. And then there's the other way. Which in my mind seems more like Jesus. Ouch, I know. More of a sacrifice everything style. Where everyone else is special and needs to be treated kindly. Where sticking strictly to what you believe (for me things like not eating meat, not paying for things on Sabbath unless absolutely necessary, not watching TV or movies on Sabbath, treating everyone as kind as I can, etc) is very important and goes above convenience. Where really, no matter what you are doing, it could be seen as being done for the glory of God. As a good and decent and christ-like thing to do.

I want to say that the Jesus style is obviously better and everyone should strive for it. But then I stop myself and say that we oughtn't simply let people run over us and step on our toes and that we shouldn't give a little here and there to accomodate for certain situations (in reference to beliefs). That just wouldn't be right either, it seems. And yet, how can I be living for Jesus, be a citizen of heaven, an alien here on earth, someone that otherws will hate because they hated Jesus too, when all I do is basically the same as everyone else?? Maybe all I do differently is go to church on Sabbath. And that's nothing too different as I have only lived in Adventist communities my entire life. It's not like anything I do is really "out there" to other people. I don't know. It's hard for me to explain.

Basically, I feel that there are the real, sacrificing Christ-lovers who decide that this life isn't worth that much except to save others' lives and there are the more comfortable christians who blend in with the world but are still good people and live good, respectable lives. Right now, I am a comfortable christian. I don't feel a burden to tell everone I meet about the saving blood of Jesus Christ. I don't ever become sad about all the people who live and die every day without being able to know the God that I know. I don't become depressed or anxious thinking about all the sick, parentless, discouraged people out there who I could be helping or praying for. I'm comfortable. And yet, there seems to be something inside of me tugging me a different way. Reminding me that there is a mansion for me in heaven. That faith in God doesn't only mean that I need to trust him to cure me from my cold, but that He will also provide a reward for the suffering and pain and rejection I may go through on this earth by living only for Jesus and having to sacrifice me to do it. I think someday I will let go.

For now, I will continue contemplating. And observing others. I think there are others who feel the same way. Others who want to let go, but are so comfortable. The scene I imagine if even just half of the SDA youth of today were to totally let go is a beautiful scene. I think we could really change the world. And that would mean my mansion would be that much closer.