The Separation

I left home today. Probably for good. In a week my family moves out and heads to Michigan. I'll never live in that house again. Probably never even go inside it again. Such a sad thing is change. And yet, I think in the end we all realize it's also an exhilarating, necessary thing. But my current feelings consist of sadness and confusion and anxiety. I am sad to be leaving the home I have come to love. The one where I have spent half my life, and where the majority of my best memories have taken place. I leave with some regrets. Of not exploring more. Of not helping to beautify the house more. Of not trying to have more friends over, even if it is the most boring place on earth. I leave with confusion. Where will I stay now? Even in just one week from now?? Where am I headed? What does it mean for my stuff and my future? I am also quite anxious. Mainly about all the things that are confusing to me. Where am I going in life? I have no aim, no real goals or dreams. Am I destined to fail as a miserable nothing, simply wasting the earth's food, water, and air supply? Will I ever feel comfortable that I am walking down the path God wants me on? Will I ever make a difference in someone's life?

So much melancholy. So much crap. In about two hours none of this will be very well remembered. I may remember my last gaze out the last window from my 4891 home or tearing up as I dwelt on my last moments there. Tomorrow morning for sure, this will all my ancient history, as we say. It will be nothing but a stupid whimper I may have let squeak out. I'll look back on this blog and think how childish I sounded and how ridiculous my worries are. For it all works out in the end and depending on the minute of the day, I may be utterly diggin' life or absolutely dreading it. Who knows? Does God even? I suppose we say that He does.

For now, it's off to clean up the cabin a bit, read a bit more, and probably just continue to poop and pee, eat and drink, sleep and be awake. There doesn't seem to be much more of consistent life than that.