Reflections

I am surrounded by so many amazing people in my life. It's almost like God continually has to remind me how cool life could be if I put a little more effort into it. How can people be so naturally cool!? I think the coolest thing is when someone is so effortlessly themself. That is the coolest. It makes life simple, and worth admiring. I admire you, you who have made yourself comfortable with the reflection you see in the mirror and the thoughts that you go to sleep with. You, you are of few words or many words, but are content with the end of them. You, you whose mind is not idle, and whose heart is not empty. You, you whose destination is known, whose Father is near. You, you are my hero. I aplaud you, hero. Please do not stop now. Please continue, continue in your wonderful, comfortable, self-ful ways. Be the person you know best to be. Because I need that kind of inspiration. I need to know that there are better things out there. And better people, too. I need to know that full life is worth the work. I need to know.

A quick poem. Written after a wonderful afternoon in the sun on the lawn.

after the bugs scatter

and after the song ends,

the day isn't over

it only begins.

it only begins.

there is hope in my heart

and through the chilly night air

I feel Your presence

and know that You're there.

and know that You're there.

I want what You offer

I'll take it today.

Cuz as long as You're with me,

I know it's ok.

I know it's ok.

It seems so lame when I write it out like that, but it was good for my heart. For real, when I say wonderful, I mean nothing less.

The Separation

I left home today. Probably for good. In a week my family moves out and heads to Michigan. I'll never live in that house again. Probably never even go inside it again. Such a sad thing is change. And yet, I think in the end we all realize it's also an exhilarating, necessary thing. But my current feelings consist of sadness and confusion and anxiety. I am sad to be leaving the home I have come to love. The one where I have spent half my life, and where the majority of my best memories have taken place. I leave with some regrets. Of not exploring more. Of not helping to beautify the house more. Of not trying to have more friends over, even if it is the most boring place on earth. I leave with confusion. Where will I stay now? Even in just one week from now?? Where am I headed? What does it mean for my stuff and my future? I am also quite anxious. Mainly about all the things that are confusing to me. Where am I going in life? I have no aim, no real goals or dreams. Am I destined to fail as a miserable nothing, simply wasting the earth's food, water, and air supply? Will I ever feel comfortable that I am walking down the path God wants me on? Will I ever make a difference in someone's life?

So much melancholy. So much crap. In about two hours none of this will be very well remembered. I may remember my last gaze out the last window from my 4891 home or tearing up as I dwelt on my last moments there. Tomorrow morning for sure, this will all my ancient history, as we say. It will be nothing but a stupid whimper I may have let squeak out. I'll look back on this blog and think how childish I sounded and how ridiculous my worries are. For it all works out in the end and depending on the minute of the day, I may be utterly diggin' life or absolutely dreading it. Who knows? Does God even? I suppose we say that He does.

For now, it's off to clean up the cabin a bit, read a bit more, and probably just continue to poop and pee, eat and drink, sleep and be awake. There doesn't seem to be much more of consistent life than that.