E.G.'s been right the whole time: it's all about character.

basically, the way i figure it, God doesn't really give a rip about who we are, except on the inside. everyone makes it clear that He sees the inside of man while we look on the outside, but i really think that's the ONLY place He looks. i believe that's why people who don't seem to be such hot stuff go so far "when God uses them." it's just that He sees an honest character, one that is nearly a photocopy of His own, and that just automatically makes them really great people. and it totally makes sense. God is God, the Lord of the universe. He IS. and no one else or anything else, ever, never, is like that. So when part of Him, aka: a good character, is cultivated in someone's life, it is only natural that it will flourish and grow and spread, because that's exactly what God would do, that's what He is! maybe that doesn't make sense. i don't care, although i guess i wish i could explain my thought better. but either way, i think i understand it for myself, and that's the important part. it's something i can learn from. my life, what i accomplish and do and say and think, they don't really matter that much. it's all about the how. it's all about why. it's all about for whom. in a way. and yet, it's just something that doesn't seem able to be put into words.

i don't get it.

but yet, i do. God is so good, and that's really a deep, foundational truth that will never EVER be changed or abolished or overshadowed by anything. HE is the core to all. to everything i know and understand. His will is done. His love endures forever. His grace is amazing. it doesn't matter what we believe or how we believe it or live it, He's still Him and will never be anything else BUT GOD. that is really good news. i just wish that i could truly give myself over to the mercy of His character, to the changing love that He is. i just imagine myself, my life, being so much...better? that doesn't seem to be a good enough word. i would have a real life. a true one. one that means something and has purpose. character seems to bring those things to life. and maybe the simple word, character, doesn't really describe it well. it's probably so much broader and yet so much more simple than that. what does character mean??? i guess we all have our own ideas. i won't even try to share mine, but i think it's something that i can see at least. and like i said, that is enough for me. is it enough for you?

i was just reading about job and his three friends in my old testament studies book. they discuss retribution theology, the idea that good is rewarded with good while sin has bad consequences. at the end of the chapter, it kind of mentions that this is true to the way God does things. In a general sense. and i suppose i agree. but it gave me a little thought. perhaps one that is old, nothing original on my part, but it is certainly new for me. at least, a new way of thinking of this general idea. i guess i have always imagined that even good is sometimes rewarded by evil here on this earth...just because of that lousy sin. and sometimes, evil is rewarded by good. it's not always fair, good people suffer, etc. but... just now, i think a new angle came to mind. it may be totally off, but it's something i might ponder. it is that perhaps i am right, that sometimes good turns out bad, etc. but that might only be for things we do or are done to us. we might do good things, be on time, finish our homework, get good grades always be nice and all this great stuff, and our parents still might get divorced or our brother die or our uncle kill someone and land in jail or all our money burn up in a fire or all our best friends move to turkey or something. it could happen. and of course, on the flip side, there are plenty of bad people (tend to be famous) who have a lot of cool stuff going for them like money, power, influence, lots of food, etc. Ok, BUT, what if retribution theology is right for what goes on inside of us! our CHARACTER! i think that God always rewards faithful, good, honest, pure character with good. no matter what. in a sense, our character, who WE are, what we are, who I am, is the only thing I can control. All that other stuff, no matter what kind of good guy I am, could all be out of my control. right? I think. mostly, at least, huh? anyway, so if I am a good guy, who tries to be faithful to my God, bad stuff may happen to me all the time. but, unlike what job's friends were thinking (if I understand the story correctly), it wouldn't be because i had sinned (necessarily) or anything like that. it's just sin. it could all be out of my control. but in the end, at least, my faithful self, the heart i gave to God, my submissive nature and devoted heart to God will be rewarded by good. i would say that a lot of the reward could eventually happen even here on earth, but if not, we certainly have heaven to look forward to.
it's like, God doesn't make sin, and we don't make sin either. but sin is. just because we chose to let it come. and then we blame God for that. i don't think we fully understand that whole situation, but i don't think we can blame God. we don't see the whole picture. and i suppose you don't have to believe that God does either. it might be hard if you believe that He is a jerk who lets good people suffer. but their suffering isn't His fault, He isn't doing it, and if they just complain and do bad things because of their suffering, then He certainly won't be rewarding them any time soon. However, if that person decides in their heart to just believe that God is God and good and love and all that He is, then I believe that person will be rewarded for exuding that kind of character during his/her suffering.
and wow. that is a lot of talk for a blog no one reads. but that's ok. i might read it later or something. at least i got it out. : ) peace

The colors are amazing here right now. Tim invited me to go with him and some others up to his parent's cabin near Gatlinburg. We were just basking in the brilliant yellows and reds and oranges on the way up. Truly, God is an amazing artist who holds nothing back when making the best of things for His loved ones (us). We enjoyed the fire there, and some good food his mom made for us. Sleeping well after many a funny song by the toasty fire, we woke up late and enjoyed another meal and a perfect day. We took a walk, kicked the soccer ball around, lazed by the cabin, snapped some super shots of the surrounding shades of scrumptious s-leaves, and just had a wonderful Sabbath. That night was Gatlinburg: the traffic, pollution, ugly, smoking, drinking, and out-of-shape people enjoying the town, beans and cheese and oily tortilla chips, and some good times. Needless to say, we slept well again. And woke up late again. And then had a good drive home through a little more traffic and some super-swell, satisfying fall colors. A little pit stop at the Bell made the weekend complete and we all arrived in Cdale quite content with what we accomplished this mid-term break. Of course... now it's back to the books.

A couple of days ago I was going through my day trying to figure out what I was alive for. I was so tired, my day so full of dumb stuff that just wasn't worth very much. Life felt dull, rather pointless, a blowage of the wind, and falling of a leaf, a mopping of a mechanic's garage. What was the point? How in the world did my life make any difference? And so I wondered and wandered. Now I realize the answer to that question is very simple: I am alive so that I can go to sleep as soon as I can every night. That's right. I am just tired. If I'm tired from a hard day, I want to sleep. All day, the idea of laying down my head tempts me. In the middle of lunch, in the middle of a boring spanish lecture, in the warmth of a cozy afternoon sun, in the middle of some invigorating laps at the pool! I guess that's how life is. The busier we get, the sooner we can go to sleep.

Wait... that sounds really stupid. Yes, sir, it sounds rather retardiculous to me. That's because I still don't know what chris clouzet's purpose is. I suppose I have made the occasional human being laugh or giggle a little. I have stooped to pick up something my pal has dropped. I have given a ride or two, (while definitely enjoying dozens...) I have shared a meal once in a while, I have smiled, laughed, been cheerful. But who cares? It certainly doesn't seem worth all the studying and working and being bored or tired or hurt, to me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't matter to anyone else in the world. In the sense that I could just run around or sit around, whichever my heart so desired. Instead, I am dragged around by some invisible, tugging string to each day's dumb classes, to the exercises that make me stronger and healthier, to the food that makes my stomach protrude, to the worships that we are all oh-so-woe-to-us "forced" to go to, to the home that houses my family, to the church that I worship in, to the car or bike or shoes that get me places, to the soccer games that I paid $75 to play in. Now, I grabbed some of those strings. But others I most certainly did NOT grab. And still others are ones that I wish I could latch onto only when I felt like it. Then there is that issue of feelings... Should we go by them or not? I've heard not. It makes me wonder why we have them, however.

In conclusion to the hope-you-put-your-boots-on-cuz-this-was-a-deep-blog blog, I guess I just have to say that the question still remains. The air is it's owner, the place where it stays for now. I almost venture to say that it will remain there until this life has been lived, perhaps then and only then will the strings make sense, the purpose become clear, the answers fade into visibility. And so, I suppose with that depressing thought, I will grab ahold of the string making me feel guilty that I am not studying my dang Hebrew...

There are just some things I don't understand. How can the sun just keep crawling, sparkling through the sky, and no one even can really look at it? Why are the evenings, when it's golden flames transform into the soft, yet stabbingly brilliant redness, so amazingly special? Who made that to be? Who invented manners? I asked myself today. I sometimes respect them, and other times am utterly irritated by them. Why are certain areas of your life so much harder to deal with and handle than others? What are the qualities in another person that make you attracted to them? Why are different personalities so much cooler than your own? What makes everyone else seem so content and fulfilled with their life while you still search for the meaning of your own? Is there a meaning? Perhaps what we search for is something that we never had to step one foot out the door for. Maybe it's a journey that we needn't begin, an unnecessary looking-for during life that only results in an eventual realization that what was searched for was only a figment of the imagination. Something to make our insignificant lives seem more valuable. Why do I have a desire inside me to visit every corner of the earth, when I clearly am aware that the earth is very round? What is so intriguing about everything but the "normal" route of life? So what if I want to smoke a cigar? I like the scenty sweetness of the whispy smoke. So what if I am tired all day cause I need like 15 hours of sleep every night to be happy? Who gives? Why do I give such a crap about my grades? How do the people who don't give a rip do it? What is their secret? How does one live every day to the fullest? Does it involve reading a good book and lying still and thinking every day? Is it in exploring and experimenting? Is it in girls or sports or food or travel? Is it different for every person? Every personality? Why do I ask all these dumb questions? I will never get answers unless I am the answer for myself. That is what I have determined. I just wanna be me. Really be me. Oh, one more thing. Why the hey can't I clearly portray my thoughts? What is with that?

*note: I am posting this a few days after the described events.



Last night, at around one in the morning, my tio-abuelo died. The brother of my dad’s dad. He was fine just a few hours before, then fell sick, nauseous basically, threw up several times with a force not to be exerted by a man of 87 years, and it complicated things in his already-complicated inner organs. The young man suffered for just a couple hours, while the doctors did all the could to figure out what was wrong and how to help. In the end, he simply asked them to leave him alone. And he slept.
Meanwhile, I was staying home with his wife, to keep an eye on her. She was the one that was supposed to die first. It made more sense that way. She is already bedridden, and isn’t in this world half the time. Her reality is a mix of today’s current events and those of ten or twenty years ago. For the mere twenty or so minutes I say in the room with her, I saw her try in vain to undo her covers, apparently not satisfied with the table cloth maybe? I saw her reach for hidden ingredients from the cupboard and heard her remembering the errands for the day. I saw her face cringe in a bout of pain as her hand instinctively reached down to her side where she suffers from a sickening bedsore. And all the while, I was thinking. And reading. Matthew 7 is where I was at in my reading of the said book. Ask and it shall be given to you. Do you unto others what you would have them to unto you. Famous, true, and truly simple teachings of our Lord. And so there I was, thinking about those things. Thinking thoughts new to me, grasping concepts and ideas never before seen by my mind. But I was also thinking about my Tio and Tia. Both suffering in their own ways, separated now, and as it turns out, forever until Jesus comes again. It must have been tough for my Tio-abuelo to deal with all the pain and delusions his wife was going through. Not to mention his agedness and a new discovery of cancer in his withering body just the week before. And yet, this giant of a Christian among the bajitos of this world never complained. He never let on as to the amount of suffering inside his heart. If he felt sick before that surprising night, I never knew. He was a gentleman, didn’t want to bother people. An example for me. And I realize that there are other personalities out there, other folks who wouldn’t agree with the way he dealt with these issues. But it is something I greatly admire. Something I hope I can accomplish when my time comes to hide certain things. I believe he did it because he loved us, we who were living with him and those family members away also, and didn’t want us to worry about him. He never brought attention to himself. Never. Kind of reminds me of a certain man who saved us from our sins. What a cool tio-abuelo I have, and all because of that certain man, that certain man he always tried to emulate.
And then on the other side of the story, on the other side of the room, lays my hallucinating Tia. That dear old Napoleon of the house. The spotless, proud, demanding young woman who enjoyed her cats and her little dogs. The assertive wife of an unassuming husband, who at the prime of her life, was despised by not a few for a certain number of her particular character traits. A woman with everything under control. Think Martha. And now, now what is she? Who knows? She may be a young girl at the moment, or a middle-aged mother, or an again grandma. She could be throwing a little birthday party, or preparing the Sabbath lunch for a number of guests, or grocery shopping a few blocks from home. Or she might simply be the aged mother of two, easing into an eventual wakeless sleep. It just depended. And there I was, witnessing a most interesting play, acted about by a woman of skin and bones, who felt no shame in her delusions, he acted her part without feeling guilty for being a little lost. It was interesting. Entertaining, almost. And intimidating. How do you talk to an old, dying commander? He do you answer questions that don’t make any sense at all? Especially when spoken in a language not quite fully grasped at a rate and with words not quite comprehendible? But not to worry. She soon forgot about me and continued writing her own story in her own world far away. I kind of wished I could visit. But I think it’s better that I stayed in my own world.
So there it is. The story of a night most unusual. A night of real darkness. And yet, for me, a night of a soon-coming dawn. Ask and it shall be given. I don’t have to ask, He already gave. Seek and you shall find. I don’t need to seek, He is coming to find me. Knock and it shall be opened for you. I don’t need to knock, He already did. Our Lord, our Savior, is doing unto others, unto us, what He wants us to do for Him. He did it first, so that we may know how. That we may be encouraged. That we may know, that by giving our lives for Him, that it will all turn out ok. It did for Him, it will for us. One day, that new day with a pure, clear, most sincere dawn, Jesus will come again for us and take us home. There I will see my Tio-abuelo. He will not be aged and stiff as he walks. He won’t vomit his insides out anymore. He won’t have to secretly suffer about his dying wife. He will be new. He will be happy. And he will be able to see the man, face to face, who he looked up to and tried to follow all the days of his dear life. And as for his commander wife? She won’t need to make up stories anymore. Or stress about parties, or run errands. She won’t need to wince at the pain of her giant bedsore or struggle with her constricting sheets. She will have more than just skin and bones. She will be new. She will be happy. She also, will be able to see her Savior. The man who never forgot who she was, the God who was able to suffer for her. First.
And that’s what I thought about that lonesome night while I sat there with Matthew 7 open in my lap. And it’s a good thought. Although sad at first, it ends in grand comfort. Encourage each other with these words, directs Paul, talking about the reminder that Jesus will come again, that we will meet Him in the air, and that we will be with the Lord forever. Those, most definitely, are encouraging words. The only thing we have to put up with until then, is how awful long our measly lives seem sometimes. But when the end ends up so well, I’m sure we will quickly forget about the secret or unknowing suffering we went through. It’s all good. I will see them again. Soon enough.

I don't have much to say right now. I'm not inspired or anything, I just wanted to write something. And try and see if I can put on a picture here or something...experiment, I suppose. I ain't to creative when it comes to these things and the little detalles of it all don't come simple.

I've had a rough last couple days. I miss home. I rode my bike like fury for a little bit a couple nights this week when I just couldn't stand it. Had to get away to a little alone spot. Which for me ends up being a little dirt road behind the town that doesn't have lights beside it lighting it all up. I could just lay in the rocky dirt and look at the stars and imagine my God being up there looking back down and feelin for me. I bet He missed home too when He was here. Although, I'm sure He was more patient than me. I'm not staying for thirty-three years. I only have about six weeks left, and even that seems too long. If someone gave me the option of running away tonight and flying home I'd have to seriously consider it. I'd probably do it if it weren't for the feeling I'd have after five minutes of running, that my relatives here, Tia Susi especially, would feel rejected and terrible. And that I would have wasted the six weeks left. And that I wouldn't have fully taken advantage of and enjoyed all the time offered me here. After all, I have said it before and will keep saying it: I believe that this has been a gift of God. He blessed and now I'm here. It's been great. But there is Justin in India for an entire year, Tim in Europe for who-knows-how-long, there have been and will be others gone for much longer. I will have been here seven and a half months or so. Not too long. And yet I feel alone. I think I am just too much of a sucker to make friends. And that's my weak spot. It's big though.

Anyway, life is good though, I must admit. Argentina lost yesterday however, and that does make it a little less good. I have a job though, I have family and friends who treat me too well, I am still able to practice a second language, and best of all, there is this global network that allows me to have seemingly eternal contact with fellow folks from far away that I love. Awesome.

After reading EG’s (Ellen G. White) writings more or less on the subject, I realized that I was only partly right. God wants us yes, to remember the good things, that we may have wonderful hope for future times. And yet at the same time, He leaves us numerous examples in the Bible of sins and wrongdoings, of mistakes and selfishness that left the doer deep in consequences of his sin. Ellen speaks of Jacob’s sin and of twenty years of hatred between his brother and he. And of Elijah’s lack of faith when fleeing from Jezebel. And of the ten spies who did not see God also behind the giant walls of their enemies. And of many more who perhaps only made one mistake. David, for example, as well. And each one of these men of God reaped the consequences. And because, she says, it is so important not to allow even one step off the path towards heaven, God has allowed these examples to be left for each one of us today in the Bible. That we may read and understand this concept, that we may learn the lesson by others’ examples before having to learn it by our own. So there it is, God wants us to remember those bad things, the mistakes that others’ have made. And we may assume, I believe, that we may also therefore remember our own mistakes and learn from them as well.

However.

Ellen did not end there. After each example of sin that reaped consequences, often very big, was a repentance in each man’s heart. A new realization of God’s love and perfect wisdom. A submission of the heart to the God who created them. And because of this, the Righteous Judge blessed them. He brought good out of the bad through His mercy. Jacob’s life was changed at the moment he wrestled with the angel. Elijah’s life of faithful servitude towards God allowed him, although not able to finish his earthly work, to be taken to heaven without dying. The ten spies never repented and died wandering in the desert, but the two faithful spies were given choice lands in the promised land that they would live to conquer. And David. David’s sin caused him much sadness and remorse, but in the end, he is the one whom they call “a man after God’s own heart.” And there’s the second part. Although God, in His wisdom and love, leaves us the sinful examples of great men in our past, He also gently places the turnarounds, the submissions, the repentance of evil, and all the rewards thereof. God is not one to hold back His blessings. He is not one to judge the evil only, but also the good. He loves to remember and acknowledge His children’s changes of heart, their submission to His will, their renewing trust in His love and mercy. My God, your God, He is God and there is no other.

Got back from Brazil yesterday morning at a very early and tiring 5 am. It was a beautiful trip though, full of new places, foods, and experiences. Rio de Janeiro is a pretty cool city. Huge, lots of poor people, transvestites, beautiful beaches, mountains all mixed in with skyscraping apartments and poor neighborhoods. And above it all is the Cristo Redentor.

Six of us got to stay a few days longer than the big group, and we decided to go stay a couple days at The Grand Island about three hours away. It has lovely beaches and lots of touristy hotels and restaurants that although small, are a bit pricey. At least for the norm. Anyway, that was really really beautiful too and I loved it. But we ended up having to buy our food each meal on Sabbath and pay for our campsite and go to the beach and all that. Plus, we never really had a worship or anything. I've grown up in perhaps a rather conservative Adventist circle, so this experience was a little uncomfortable for the conscience. Looking back at it, I just went along and didn't actually think about it too much. I don't think we did anything wrong either, but it still makes me wonder about the concreteness of my beliefs and why I believe things, etc.

We also had some experiences where we had to be a little more assertive, say to a taxi driver who was trying to scam us, and those times also made me think. Basically, it seems that I am coming across two separate ways of bieng a christian. There is the first one, the one that most people seem to live and which works out fine and dandy. It's like you just be a good person, do what you need to do to be a christian, but leave room for buying things on the Sabbath, sometimes speaking a bit harshly and directly at people, or enjoying yourself in ways that might not let other people automatically know you are indeed a christian. And then there's the other way. Which in my mind seems more like Jesus. Ouch, I know. More of a sacrifice everything style. Where everyone else is special and needs to be treated kindly. Where sticking strictly to what you believe (for me things like not eating meat, not paying for things on Sabbath unless absolutely necessary, not watching TV or movies on Sabbath, treating everyone as kind as I can, etc) is very important and goes above convenience. Where really, no matter what you are doing, it could be seen as being done for the glory of God. As a good and decent and christ-like thing to do.

I want to say that the Jesus style is obviously better and everyone should strive for it. But then I stop myself and say that we oughtn't simply let people run over us and step on our toes and that we shouldn't give a little here and there to accomodate for certain situations (in reference to beliefs). That just wouldn't be right either, it seems. And yet, how can I be living for Jesus, be a citizen of heaven, an alien here on earth, someone that otherws will hate because they hated Jesus too, when all I do is basically the same as everyone else?? Maybe all I do differently is go to church on Sabbath. And that's nothing too different as I have only lived in Adventist communities my entire life. It's not like anything I do is really "out there" to other people. I don't know. It's hard for me to explain.

Basically, I feel that there are the real, sacrificing Christ-lovers who decide that this life isn't worth that much except to save others' lives and there are the more comfortable christians who blend in with the world but are still good people and live good, respectable lives. Right now, I am a comfortable christian. I don't feel a burden to tell everone I meet about the saving blood of Jesus Christ. I don't ever become sad about all the people who live and die every day without being able to know the God that I know. I don't become depressed or anxious thinking about all the sick, parentless, discouraged people out there who I could be helping or praying for. I'm comfortable. And yet, there seems to be something inside of me tugging me a different way. Reminding me that there is a mansion for me in heaven. That faith in God doesn't only mean that I need to trust him to cure me from my cold, but that He will also provide a reward for the suffering and pain and rejection I may go through on this earth by living only for Jesus and having to sacrifice me to do it. I think someday I will let go.

For now, I will continue contemplating. And observing others. I think there are others who feel the same way. Others who want to let go, but are so comfortable. The scene I imagine if even just half of the SDA youth of today were to totally let go is a beautiful scene. I think we could really change the world. And that would mean my mansion would be that much closer.

Does God want us to remember the bad things? I don’t know. At first I disagreed with the pastor last night who spoke at worship. He explained that God provides good things and that He would rather us remember them over the bad, from our past. Immediately I wanted to disagree, simply because that’s my tendency. I wanted to find where the man went wrong because he was man, and he can’t simply know what God is like. But the longer he spoke, and the more I thought, the more I came to agree with him.
I tried to think of example of Jesus using bad things in Israel’s past to teach a valuable lesson. Or something similar from Paul’s writings, or Peter’s or John’s. Or my own past. What I began to realize is that it’s true. God never bases anything off of the bad memories. Instead, it seems to me that God’s "way" is more the way of hope. I believe that we can, and should no doubt, learn much from our mistakes and the sad, bad, depressing, discouraging, oppressing, stressful things of our lives and the lives’ of others in the past. But for humans, the good things we can remember, and I believe should try to remember, are really what give us hope.
In my opinion, we can have hope from bad things as well as good things. But they seem to be different kinds of hope. For example, one could ponder one’s past and realize that there were terrible things there, but that there is a hope for the future. I think this is a stronger hope than that which is based on the good things. Because when we look back on the good things, we can hope that they will continue in the future, but it is not so much a deep yearning of a hope, but almost a simple expectation that the good things will continue. This still is confusing to me, as I seem to be contradicting myself. I will see if I can explain.
Although the hope coming from bad things is a stronger hope, to me, it seems that that is all it can be. Hope. But a hope stemming from the good things in our past, not only includes that hope, but also expectations and therefore an almost obligatory faith. (I suppose this would be my belief concerning Christians. For those who do not have the ultimate hope in our God, everything is probably much different. Perhaps I ought to ponder that for a while?) For if we choose to base our hope on our positive memories and experiences, then we can have hope for more of them in the future. Which, in other words, is expectations of them to occur. And in my life at least, I believe that these things ultimately come from God. Therefore, I have hope in God, expectations that He will continue to bless me. But since believing anything about God requires faith, then I must have faith to expect these good things to continue. Hope, expectations, faith.
Basically, I think I now agree with the pastor. God has done much for me and I believe He wants me to remember those things. How many times did He mention all the good things He’d done for the people of Israel or for the person He was specifically talking to, in trying to remind them to stay faithful to Him or trust Him? I think I remember there being many in the Bible. And as I have thought a little about this topic, I realize it is much nicer to dwell on the positive things in my past, than on the negative things. I think it’s just a better thing.